i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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