as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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