I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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