im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
