Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
