Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
