she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.