I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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