There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
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