I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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