Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i was born a porn star she said
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
