If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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