cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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