Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
