how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
