After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
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It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
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You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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