K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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