I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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