Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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