I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
