Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
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Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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