last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
