exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
