Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
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and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize