I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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