I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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