Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
