Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
