Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Who died my cat blue again?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
