I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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