New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
