He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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