I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
