and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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