Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
