Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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