Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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