So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
