dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
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why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
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If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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