So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
