as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
