david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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