I'm so fucking centered right now
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
