Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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