we made out on top of his cat.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
