Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
