she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
