what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
