What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
