Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
