Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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