he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
A+ Viking dick
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
