I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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