There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
