fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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