I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
